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#591 Cattie

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    Posted 05 March 2009 - 02:51 AM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by yamille
    How did the talk go Kelly?

    Just for the record I highly suggest therapy- not becuase of your situation- but I am an advocate for everyone to go. I am a therapist in training still BUT have been in therapy for years. It's just really nice to have an objective voice to bounce everything off of. Also sometimes just the way you communicate with each other may need to be tweaked so everyone is okay. A therapist can help you figure out how to do that for yourselves.
    I'm going to 2nd that opinion Yamille! Back about 2 years ago I was on the verge of leaving my FI. I went to a therapist and it was the best thing I could have ever done. She was awesome. I learned how to express my feelings and tell the FI what was bothering me. In return from me he learned how to express his feelings to me and how to talk about what is bothering him in our relationship. If you ask him he swears by it! I wouldn't be where I am now if I didn't do it.

    It's nice to have that unbiased person as a sounding board and to help learn to cope with things differently. At first it's really weird, but once you start spilling your guts you wish it was a 3 hour session!!

    #592 Jenamie

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      Posted 05 March 2009 - 03:21 AM

      I hate having everything long distance: My FI, My mom, my MOH, My BM (both), My wedding location.... I lack the modavation to get this done alone....

      I never wanted a wedding (I know I'm a very odd girl) and I'm more excited for the honeymoon than the wedding

      Oh and I hated my proposal.... what he did was great... where he did it really sucked :/

      #593 DWandMJ

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        Posted 05 March 2009 - 03:29 AM

        I have more or less an opinion poll...and please be completely honest if I'm far off in left field....
        FI stated that once we're married, he will modify his $500,00 life insurance policy to include me as a beneficiary, however, he said he would make me 50% and each of his parents 25% to ensure that his brother and sister were taken care of.
        When I expressed my opinion that he has a responsibility to me and his subsequent children, and I wasn't fond of the idea because after taxes consume 50% that would leave me about $125,000 toward a mortgage, funeral expenses, his children's college, help out with the loss of 2/3 of our household income, etc... meanwhile his brother and sister look at it as an opportunity to go on a shopping spree on someone else's dime, he told me that it really bothered him that I felt that way and asked how selfish could I be that I wouldn't want his siblings to receive something. Sure they would lose a brother and his parents - a son, but their futures wouldnt come to a screeching halt the way his widow's would.

        I realize this is a terrible thing to think about, but realistically, is my perspective on the whole thing entirely warped?

        #594 Jenamie

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          Posted 05 March 2009 - 03:36 AM

          I think you have every right to feel that way, once you get married your wife/husband becomes your family and yes he should think of you and your kids first... Though alot of people feel there extended familys as there number ones...

          Maybe after your married for a bit you can bring this up again... right now he could just be worried about his finaces going all to one person.

          #595 cougs

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            Posted 05 March 2009 - 03:39 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by DWandMJ
            I have more or less an opinion poll...and please be completely honest if I'm far off in left field....
            FI stated that once we're married, he will modify his $500,00 life insurance policy to include me as a beneficiary, however, he said he would make me 50% and each of his parents 25% to ensure that his brother and sister were taken care of.
            When I expressed my opinion that he has a responsibility to me and his subsequent children, and I wasn't fond of the idea because after taxes consume 50% that would leave me about $125,000 toward a mortgage, funeral expenses, his children's college, help out with the loss of 2/3 of our household income, etc... meanwhile his brother and sister look at it as an opportunity to go on a shopping spree on someone else's dime, he told me that it really bothered him that I felt that way and asked how selfish could I be that I wouldn't want his siblings to receive something. Sure they would lose a brother and his parents - a son, but their futures wouldnt come to a screeching halt the way his widow's would.

            I realize this is a terrible thing to think about, but realistically, is my perspective on the whole thing entirely warped?
            i think if he is just thinking about YOU, the first gut reaction might be "wow, what a greedy b*tch! why can't she share?" LOL ... but the fact of the matter is that you plan on having children, and it is as much his responsibility as yours to provide for them. your home will be your joint expense, your debt belongs to both of you, etc. you are NOT entirely warped (lol) ... you are thinking of the future of your family-to-be. i think it's worth discussing making you the single beneficiary of the life insurance policy, but also drawing up a will that can allow for a MUCH SMALLER amount of money left to other family members. they do NOT need 25% ($125,000?) each! their income isn't being halved, and their children aren't suddenly fatherless!

            worth asking ... do YOU have your own life insurance, and if so, who are the beneficiaries?

            #596 BachataBride

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              Posted 05 March 2009 - 10:24 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by DWandMJ
              I have more or less an opinion poll...and please be completely honest if I'm far off in left field....
              FI stated that once we're married, he will modify his $500,00 life insurance policy to include me as a beneficiary, however, he said he would make me 50% and each of his parents 25% to ensure that his brother and sister were taken care of.
              When I expressed my opinion that he has a responsibility to me and his subsequent children, and I wasn't fond of the idea because after taxes consume 50% that would leave me about $125,000 toward a mortgage, funeral expenses, his children's college, help out with the loss of 2/3 of our household income, etc... meanwhile his brother and sister look at it as an opportunity to go on a shopping spree on someone else's dime, he told me that it really bothered him that I felt that way and asked how selfish could I be that I wouldn't want his siblings to receive something. Sure they would lose a brother and his parents - a son, but their futures wouldnt come to a screeching halt the way his widow's would.

              I realize this is a terrible thing to think about, but realistically, is my perspective on the whole thing entirely warped?
              Quote:
              Originally Posted by mummergirl
              i think if he is just thinking about YOU, the first gut reaction might be "wow, what a greedy b*tch! why can't she share?" LOL ... but the fact of the matter is that you plan on having children, and it is as much his responsibility as yours to provide for them. your home will be your joint expense, your debt belongs to both of you, etc. you are NOT entirely warped (lol) ... you are thinking of the future of your family-to-be. i think it's worth discussing making you the single beneficiary of the life insurance policy, but also drawing up a will that can allow for a MUCH SMALLER amount of money left to other family members. they do NOT need 25% ($125,000?) each! their income isn't being halved, and their children aren't suddenly fatherless!

              worth asking ... do YOU have your own life insurance, and if so, who are the beneficiaries?
              I agree with Lisa...his main concern should be his immediate family - you & your children. I also agree that a small amount should/could be left to his siblings, but not $125k!!! Does he really understand the financial stress you would be under if god forbid anything should happen to him?? Maybe you could outline it for him - I know it's not really something you probably want to talk about, but why not draft a contingency budget in case that happens. Sometimes guys need to see on paper how things will play out.
              Good luck hun...and no, you are not greedy. You (as the female) are the realistic mind in the relationship!! lol

              #597 KLC77

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                Posted 05 March 2009 - 02:22 PM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by DWandMJ
                I have more or less an opinion poll...and please be completely honest if I'm far off in left field....
                FI stated that once we're married, he will modify his $500,00 life insurance policy to include me as a beneficiary, however, he said he would make me 50% and each of his parents 25% to ensure that his brother and sister were taken care of.
                When I expressed my opinion that he has a responsibility to me and his subsequent children, and I wasn't fond of the idea because after taxes consume 50% that would leave me about $125,000 toward a mortgage, funeral expenses, his children's college, help out with the loss of 2/3 of our household income, etc... meanwhile his brother and sister look at it as an opportunity to go on a shopping spree on someone else's dime, he told me that it really bothered him that I felt that way and asked how selfish could I be that I wouldn't want his siblings to receive something. Sure they would lose a brother and his parents - a son, but their futures wouldnt come to a screeching halt the way his widow's would.

                I realize this is a terrible thing to think about, but realistically, is my perspective on the whole thing entirely warped?
                It sounds to me like he doesn't have enough insurance coverage for what he wants to do. I used to sell life insurance. The number shouldn't be random but based on expected costs/ needs in the event that he passes away. There is real math involved. Mortgage payments should be taken into consideration, other monthly expenses you will have, funeral/burial costs, your income etc. I don't think you're being selfish or unreasonable. If you don't currently have children, its not totally necessary that he have that much coverage today. But, when you have them you should update coverage and adjust beneficiaries as needed. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to provide for his other family members, but not at your expense. JMO. Also, I agree with others that the percentages he suggested seem off. How old are his brother and sister? Is there a reason that each parent needs to receive 25%? Can't they receive a total of 25% and use it toward his siblings? Also, there is no guarantee they would even use it toward the siblings if they aren't specifically listed.
                ~Kelly

                Our Awesome Wedding Pics: http://www.delsolpho...ings/kelly&ron/

                #598 KLC77

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                  Posted 05 March 2009 - 02:34 PM

                  Oh, and as for the issues my DH and I have been having, we did talk last night. Turns out he's afraid to buy something because of the economy. I understand this, sort of, but don't agree with him. Now is the time to buy. The economy will continue to get worse if people don't spend money. We can get a GREAT deal on the condo we are looking at.

                  Right now, I'm only working part time (paying all my own bills) and going to school. He will be the one soley responsible for the mortgage for the next year. So, I get his fear. But, I'm not someone who will fail. If we start to struggle I would quit school and get a second job, then just take classes as I could fit them in. I would work at a fast food restaurant if that's all I could find. There are jobs... just not as many. Not to mention that he works for his dad's company in a good area of CT. He would never get fired. The business would have to close first and they've been in business since like 1910! Plenty of recessions since then and they didn't close up shop.

                  So, while I understand his fear and I'm glad he told me, its not something that I think should stop us from buying.
                  ~Kelly

                  Our Awesome Wedding Pics: http://www.delsolpho...ings/kelly&ron/

                  #599 cougs

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                    Posted 05 March 2009 - 02:40 PM

                    kelly, you're right. if you can afford it now, it is definitely the time to buy. you will get so much more for your dollar now than you will if/when the economy picks up. sellers are having to drop their home prices pretty drastically in order to get their homes sold.

                    i'm like you ... i would take a fast food job before i'd sit around unemployed and complaining. it drives me crazy when people say there are no jobs, when really what they mean are there are no jobs that they don't think are beneath them. my fiance's aunt is out of work, got an offer for a job in her field making about the same as she made in her last job, and she won't take it because she's getting older and the job doesn't offer a pension. i'm like, huh? so she'd rather be unemployed, with NO income?

                    #600 Duchess

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                      Posted 06 March 2009 - 11:41 AM

                      I agree. Now is the time to buy. I am dying to buy but I have the ALBATROSS (sp?) of owning a depreciated value condo around my neck. Otherwise, DH and I would live in something bigger than a one bedroom!




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