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Stepmom wants to throw me a shower now too...


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#1 Maura

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Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:20 PM

Many of you know the situation with my crazy mom and that my step-mom (who has been married to my dad for 16 years and with whom I have a great relationship) has been super-supportive through all of it. I love my s-mom as if she were my real mom, and she even sometimes interferes with my life like a real mom does haha.

I have a bit of a dilemma I'm not sure how to handle because of the delicate situation... my mom's sister, with whom I am NOT close is insisting on throwing me a shower because she and my grandma arent coming to my DW. My aunt means well but she is very pushy (like my mom) and has been vigorously planning my "bridal tea" since Christmas. She bombards me with emails a few times a week with her advice about where to register, what to register for, the guest list, whether my mom and sister are available on certain dates etc etc etc. I expressed to my aunt that I would like to invite my s-mom and my aunt said no because she already invited my mother (to whom I am not speaking, and my mom said she wasnt coming to the wedding). My mom and s-mom can't be in the same room because of what a nut my mother is. My aunt is also inviting my mom's friends, who I do like, but are not invited to the wedding...and now I feel like I have to invite a few who have known me forever because I feel guilty that I decided not to invite my mom's friends because my mom isnt coming, AND my inlaws are paying and I don't really consider them "must have" guests.

I was talking to my s-mom via email today and told her I wanted to do something special with her before the wedding like a formal tea at the Peninsula Hotel, just like a mother/daughter type thing. Because I know she feels kinda left out, and she has no biological daughters, so I am her one chance to be a mother-of-the-bride.

She replied back asking if she could throw me a shower.

You all know how I feel about showers in the first place, even though my Mexican one was mildly entertaining.

At the same time, a good friend from grad school (who I also work with) wants to throw me a couples shower also for all of my grad school friends/girlfriends because we all still keep in touch pretty regularly. I told her I would really have to talk to Jose about it, knowing he hates that kind of stuff and probably wont want to do it, and neither do I really. My friend seems pretty resolute about doing it, or at least co-hosting it with another of our grad school friends.

I REALLY don't want to hurt my s-mom's feelings. But I feel like its totally unreasonable to ask my friends to attend 3 different showers in different places in the Chicagoland area.... most of my closest girlfriends live out of state and wont be traveling here for one shower let alone three; the friends who live in town, I would feel awkward if they received 3 invites because not all of them are aware of my crazy family... I dont want my friends to feel like they have to attend all 3, or even 2! On top of everything I know it is going to be financially difficult for my dad and s-mom to make it to Cabo for my wedding, and I don't want her to bear any additional costs that would prevent her from being able to come to Cabo. I really feel like if I tell her no its going to hurt her feelings though.

What should I do? The last thing I want is to make my s-mom feel bad because she has been so good to me especially over the last few years. But I also don't want to be a 4-shower bride!

#2 jajajaja

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    Posted 07 February 2008 - 08:28 PM

    Maybe just tell her that you would like to do something special just between the two of you. Showers can be chaotic. Tell her the intimacy you desire would be lost and you would like that special mother-daughter moment with her.

    I know how you feel. My step-dad has always been there and my real dad is kooky. I didn't even invite him to the wedding. I hope my step-dad really knows how much I think of him as "dad" but it's not like I can have tea with him. haha. He is SO not the sensitive type. I think your step-mom would feel honored.
    Happily married since 2008

    #3 neen

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      Posted 07 February 2008 - 09:14 PM

      could you combine two of the showers and suggest your friends and s-mom co-host? if that's not possible, i'd just be upfront with your s-mom and like the other ladies have suggested, plan something special for just the two of you.

      as for your mom's friends...don't feel pressured to invite them to your wedding, especially since you're mom isn't going to be there.

      #4 beachbride08

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        Posted 07 February 2008 - 11:46 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
        Maybe just tell her that you would like to do something special just between the two of you. Showers can be chaotic. Tell her the intimacy you desire would be lost and you would like that special mother-daughter moment with her.
        I agree with Rachel. Plus, I would tell her that you really didn't want a shower to begin with, and I'm sure she will appreciate having some along time with you anyway.
        Michelle

        #5 Alyssa

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          Posted 07 February 2008 - 11:51 PM

          Maura,

          i have not read any of the other girls comments yet but here is my advice. Keep it real - hell yeah have your step-mom throw you a shower and make that one your 'real' one - have all your best girlfriends RSVP yes to that and the rest of the people you care about. let that be the meaningful, caring community experience the shower is supposed to be. let all the fakes, crazies, uninvited nosy-bodies and long lost relatives ham it up at your aunt's house and then go home and talk shit about all of them!

          your aunt sounds like she is all out for herself and wants to make herself look good by having this shower - she is the one with the basement right?

          #6 Maura

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          Posted 08 February 2008 - 01:13 AM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Alyssa
          Maura,

          i have not read any of the other girls comments yet but here is my advice. Keep it real - hell yeah have your step-mom throw you a shower and make that one your 'real' one - have all your best girlfriends RSVP yes to that and the rest of the people you care about. let that be the meaningful, caring community experience the shower is supposed to be. let all the fakes, crazies, uninvited nosy-bodies and long lost relatives ham it up at your aunt's house and then go home and talk shit about all of them!

          your aunt sounds like she is all out for herself and wants to make herself look good by having this shower - she is the one with the basement right?
          hahaha alyssa, you totally made me smile! i really like your idea, i will definitely have to discuss that with my s-mom.

          and yep, you guessed it, the aunt in question is also the aunt who is finishing her basement and that's why she "cant afford" to come to my wedding.




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