Random Thoughts - long read

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think

about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own

story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize

you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to

have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and

sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're

going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be

going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the

direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check

your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself

to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by

randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This

recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be

ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't

work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically

fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know

how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or

FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and

suddenly realize I had no idea what the fck was going on when I first

saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes

stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes

shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the

right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a

millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,

really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than

take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your

computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish

a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the

spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to

say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron

test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.

Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired

about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."

Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I

hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and

smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,

I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I

had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G

as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each

other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and

instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I

know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the

person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the

shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile

is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red

Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every

year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would

probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go

around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly

nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a

problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything

productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want

to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going

to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if

I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I

did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching

TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me

if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.

It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.

Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),

but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to

voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run

away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing

anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't

already told me but that I have learned from some light internet

stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then

I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed

for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but

no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I

find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the

fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to

with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys

in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass

everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about

1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would

happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the

link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they

drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw

they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,

someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about

it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to

require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.

There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before

dinner.

OMG too funny. I identified with a lot of those..

Thanks for posting!

these make me smile : )

I can't tell you how many times FI looked at me confused as I laughed out loud at this!

Too funny!

Gosh, related to SO many of these!!!

Even though that was long, I didn't want it to end! Soooooo funny!! Thanks for posting it!!

I love these. Some are really hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

I have to say I relate to the Mario Kart one. After playing I get in my car and I have to remind myself that I can run in to everyone ha ha ha