HUUUUUGE etiquette question please HELP!!!

I think that would be fine, go for it!

I agree with Amarillis on this. If you're having a shower in Northern Mass, and a DW in Martha's Vineyard, all your Northern Mass people will not understand the intimacy factor of your "small DW wedding" and think you're asking for a gift.

Then when you invite them to your Big Reception in San Diego, they will see that as an invitation for a second gift...and San Diego is going to ge a Destination Wedding for all of your Mass peeps anyway.

I also agree with Amarillis. I personally would just have a small shower with those that are invited to the wedding. I just would not want the possibility of anyone thinking it is a gift grabbing invite. You can still enjoy the shower experience regardless of the number of guests. You can celebrate with the others at your AHR.

I think as long as they are invited to something it is ok to invite them to the Shower and that an AHR counts. If you or others are worried about the gift issue you can easily just put your "presence is gift enough, please no gifts" on the invitations. There are ways to do this just do what makes you happy and you feel comfortable with.

hmmmm, well i was thinking of billing it as sort of a pre-wedding party in north mass, and the san diego is a post-wedding party in san diego...telling them i want to share a part of the experience with them at home, and while i can't have them to the wedding, would love them to be a part of it (this includes, aunt and cousins)...

 

i'm thinking (though don't know) that if people are offended they just won't come?

I agree w/ Michele on this one. It may be different if you were getting married somewhere far from either place.

I personally am inviting everyone to my shower. Although our friends have known from the beginning we wanted a small wedding w/ our family on the beach and would have a celebration when we got home. No one has been offended cause they either can't afford to come, or can't get vacation time.

Also we are having our AHR right after we get home so our invites will be going out soon. i'm going to send out our AHR invites before the shower so my dearest friends invited to my shower have an invite to the AHR first.

If people really know you, they'll know if you're just trying to get gifts. I think with a DW you're able to break etiquette rules a little. But I do think if you're going to invite them to your shower and AHR they should receive an invite to your AHR prior to your shower. Some people have a whole 'nother ceremony at their AHR which is fine, but they should receive an invite to that first.

If you're having your AHR a while after your wedding then wait to have your shower as well

Honestly, I think it would be difficult to convey that. Personal question here, what's the harm in inviting them to the DW? If you are paying for travel expenses I understand then, but if not what's 'why not'? If you invite them to the DW you can absolutely invite them to the shower. If people want to see you get married and share in that experience it's a bonus.

Out of those aunts, uncles and cousins...would they come?? Again totally personal question, just throwing it out there.

My motto is, the more the merrier.

one it's about cost, two my fiance is mexican, he has about 500 relatives (no joke) so if we invite one, we invite all, so that's why other family members aren't invited to make it fair, and that's why we're doing reception in san diego so all family memebers can join in, but my family (east coast based) likely wont come out to sd, so thinking this would be a way for them to join in celebration

are you having a co-ed shower then? If you're wanting to doit for a celebration for your family i wouldn't call it a shower. It would be an AHR, no one said you have to have an AHR after your wedding.

I think its completely fine. I don't really get all this 'etiquette' stuff half the time. I think its more common sense and just respect for the people in your life. You are inviting them all to the AHR, which technically is your wedding since your just having an intimate ceremony/DW. So they have all been invited so of course they should be invited to the shower too. And like you said, if people don't want to come, they won't, plain and simple. I don't think you should analyze this too much to be honest. These people you want to invite to your shower (and who are invited to the AHR)are probably people in your life who WANT to celebrate your wedding with you in some way, even if you are just having a small wedding that they won't be at.